There are good reasons they say ‘it takes a village’. Motherhood is a full time job - and often more! The hours spent feeding, changing nappies, organising and attending play activities, preparing bottles, packing nappy bags… can often seem endless and make days flow one into another, especially when you're without help. That's why having a support system is a necessary tool for surviving and thriving through motherhood.
Yet not everyone has one. The amount of time I saw women pleading for one is heartbreaking.
This guide sets out how to build your village from scratch, in 5 easy steps.
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Join a social app for mums. These vary widely, but Peanut is one I can recommend wholeheartedly, from experience. This mum-focused tool provides an online community for sharing advice and experiences in groups, as well as building friendships individually. It was how I found my first local mums group and how I met my first good mother friend where I live.
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Find a play group locally. There are many, so best to ‘shop around’ before deciding on the one you really like and that suits the needs of you and your baby best. There are many tools that can help you find it, such as local parenthood magazines and word of mouth. Or you can simply use an online database to help you find one near you.
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Talk. When you go to these groups and other similar activities, be frank about your experience. Most women share similar struggles, especially during the early days of motherhood, so don't be afraid to open up about yours. Sharing these openly will help you find friends who understand your struggles, can offer advice and support. Despite popular belief, solving challenges of motherhood does not come naturally to many, if not most, of us from day one. We often need a helping hand to show us the way and get us through the first few days, weeks, months, or even years.
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Listen. Listening to others share their stories (and opening up about ours, as noted above) is the best way to build lasting friendships. But I also recommend listening to motherhood podcasts. A number of these have helped me (stay sane) through the longest evenings of cluster feeding. I particularly recommend Pop that Mumma and Maternal Journal, as they help break some of the most insidious myths of motherhood, while providing you with some useful tools to support your journey.
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Get creative. The group you want is not out there? Why not start one that speaks to you? You are bound to find others like you. But don't rush it. Give yourself time to recover before you start it to avoid giving yourself too much work. You might need a few weeks or months to feel up for it. That's ok. Everyone's recovery is different.
A final note: don't forget to put yourself and your baby first. Family and friends are important - and hopefully will become an invaluable part of your village - but sometimes they can also place demands on you that are not reasonable, often without realising it. The number of times I heard new mothers complaining of too many or pushy visitors is astonishing. Your extended family should be a source of support for you, not a burden, especially in those early days. So if you feel like they are asking too much of you when you just need to rest and bond with your baby, you are well within your rights to say no and set clear boundaries.
All in all, finding your motherhood village may seem like a daunting task at first, but it does not have to be. Once you start getting into local play groups and chatting to other new mums in your area, you will see that most share similar problems and questions, including how to find that motherhood community. That makes for a good conversation starter. Take it from there, be honest and you should start to see your village growing soon.
